Secure, Anxious, or Avoidant? Understanding Your Attachment Style

Attachment theory, first developed in the 1950s, has gained renewed attention in today’s culture, where there is a growing focus on mental health. This growing interest has led to a deeper exploration of how attachment patterns shape our relationships and the steps we can take to develop healthier attachment styles, ultimately fostering better mental health and stronger connections.

We all have ways of relating to others, especially in our closest relationships. These patterns of connection are deeply rooted in our earliest experiences with caregivers, shaped before we can express ourselves with words or even create explicit memories.  This is the essence of attachment theory—a psychological framework that explains how our early bonds influence the ways we connect, trust, and feel secure in relationships throughout life.  

Many singles are searching for the elusive "secure" partner, but what does that really mean (research suggests that about 50% of the population has a secure attachment style)?  Do you know and understand your own attachment style?  If attachment is the most significant predictor of how we show up in relationships, it is valuable to learn your own style as well as the style of those you are in relationship with.  This can illuminate relational tendencies, patterns of conflict, and areas where growth is needed.  As a therapist trained in attachment-based therapy, this is one of my favorite topics to explore. Let’s take a closer look at the secure and insecure attachment categories and explore the different styles within the insecure category.

There are four main attachment styles-Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and Disorganized.  In terms of relationships, securely attached folks tend towards more successful, fulfilling and stable relationships. The rich get richer-relationally, at least!  Before you jump to the conclusion that you are probably securely attached (since your relationship issues are always the other person’s fault, right?), keep reading to learn about how each type shows up in relationships.

1. Secure Attachment
   Those with a secure attachment style feel confident in their relationships. They trust that others will meet their needs and are comfortable with both closeness and independence. Secure attachment stems from consistent, nurturing caregiving during childhood.

2. Anxious Attachment
   People with an anxious attachment style long for closeness but fear abandonment, often appearing needy or overly sensitive in relationships. They tend to be hypervigilant, constantly scanning for perceived threats to their connection and often needing reassurance that their partners love them. This pattern develops from inconsistent caregiving, where a child’s needs are sometimes met, but other times, caregivers are too preoccupied with their own lives to provide necessary care.

3. Avoidant Attachment
   Avoidant folks often prioritize independence over intimacy, fearing that relationships will overwhelm them and threaten their autonomy. They may struggle to rely on others and avoid emotional vulnerability. They often aren’t comfortable with their own emotions and in turn struggle with the emotions of their partners.  This attachment style typically develops when caregivers are emotionally distant, dismissive, or neglectful.

4. Disorganized Attachment
   Disorganized attachment combines elements of both anxious and avoidant styles—a deep yearning for closeness, followed by a push away when it’s achieved. With this mix of anxiety and avoidance, individuals are simultaneously craving connection while also fearing it. This attachment style often develops in the context of abuse or trauma, where a caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear.

Of the insecure attachment types, most people will fall into either the anxious or avoidant categories.  Only about 5-10% of the US population has a disorganized attachment.  

The Attachment Project is a great place to start learning more about attachment theory and you can also take this brief, evidence-based quiz to determine your main attachment style.

Before you despair, there is reason to hope!   A fifth category called Earned Secure Attachment can develop later in life.  Typically, this happens through therapy, self-awareness and healing experiences, after a person has experienced early attachment wounds and insecure attachment patterns.  While someone may have grown up with inconsistent, neglectful, or even abusive caregiving that led to an insecure attachment style, they can later develop the ability to form healthy, secure relationships. This process often involves healing from past trauma, gaining emotional insight, and building trust through positive, supportive relationships. 

In summary, the attachment style we subconsciously form in the first few years of life acts as the foundation for how we navigate relationships throughout our lives.  Although these patterns are formed early in life, thanks to neuroplasticity, they can evolve through new experiences, therapy, and conscious effort. However, meaningful change typically requires consistent healing and intentional work.  I’d love to chat with you about on how your attachment style is showing up in your life and walk beside you in your healing journey.